Friday Night Rantings

So, I've finally decided to succumb to it and just do it... no not partake in any illegal activity like downloading movies onto my laptop or recreational drugs. No, start a blog.

Blogs, like many other things,I used to swear I'd never start doing, like texting and talking on my cell phone while driving, have finally allured me to their benefits. Perhaps it's my sudden abunance of free time and wave of feeling sorry for myself, but I think like many things are a good emotional catharsis.

Additionally, I agree with one of my friends who is blogging to regularly write over the summer. As a result of going to a private, liberal arts institution, writing is a vital staple to almost every class I've taken. Last summer I don't think I ever actuall "wrote" once. When I mean write I don't mean sending text messages or emails to friends, rather when I mean "write" I mean actually sitting down and attempting to flesh out my ideas on a particular issue. It's something that I think is a good skill to keep up and I don't want to get rusty over the summer. So, the second reason I've decided to do this.

The personal validation is also nice, to know that other people than myself will read this. If anything that is the thing that I probably dislike the most about our "over-connected" me-centered society. I'm the star and I want you to listen to me. Although I hate it, I have to admit it's something to look forward to from this I guess...


So, what have I been up to recently you may ask? Well to be honest not much. I drove home from school on Tuesday and have been afflicted with an over-abundance of free time, so much so I'm probably going crazy. It's so hard to go from being surrounded by close friends and being so busy you can't sit down to suddenly having an empty house and a blank schedule staring you straight in the face. (If I'm having trouble with this, I'd hate to try and stop smoking...)

It's my own fault I suppose. I gave myself about a week off between coming home from school and then starting my summer internship and work for the summer. It's something that I thought I would enjoy... boy was I wrong!

So Tuesday, I sort of unloaded my car and got all of my personal effects at my mom's house. Really didn't unpack just spent some time with her and then began moving boxes around. Did a quick Target run and that was about it. Wednesday, I spent much of the morning facebook chatting and writing letters to those I had just recently left for the summer and tried to line up plans for Thursday. Thursday I worked out in the morning and then had a job interview at American Eagle, and while at Village Pointe (for those of you non-Omahian is the large outdoor mall close to my mom's house) followed up on jobs that I had applied for earlier while home for Easter Break.

I've done my best to keep busy but I've been bored and lonely since coming home. I've spent some time with friends today but sadly my contact with the outside world has been very limited, and I'm feeling the effects. I wouldn't say I'm experiencing downright depression, but it's almost like a withdrawl. I thought I had prepared myself pretty well for a second summer at home, but perhaps I was only lying to myself.

It's always hard, coming home. It's weird, I love spending time with my family and friends here but it's like I can only take it in small doses, afraid to get too settled and see the changes that have happened since I left for school two years ago. I like skating along the surface, remembering Nebraska for what it once was and rather what it's become. Change is something that is always hard for me, and coming home from my life at school is proving to be very interesting.

It's like the Carpenter's song "Rainy Days and Mondays", nothing's really wrong. I have a great summer job lined up with the Attorney General's office and have Bakers on the side to provide income, but it just doesn't feel right. The Nebraska that I'm picturing simply isn't coming into focus the right way. The characters are on stage but their lines are all wrong and I'm desperately flipping through the script trying to catch up. I'm willing to let myself grow up and change over time, but I'm not willing to let Nebraska do the same...

So, admist this kind of gloom, I've been having a less than enjoyable Friday. I was supposed to spend the day with my eccentric Aunt in Lincoln, but that sadly fell through due to circumstances beyond our control. Leaving me with no backup plan and saddened at the loss of a day out of Omaha, I decided I should check in with Bakers to see what my hours were going to look like for the upcoming week. Sure, enough I was scheduled. But not as a Front End Supervisor. rather a Cashier and Bagger.

You're probably thinking to yourself... "Oh poor James, things aren't going your way why don't you just sit down and cry like the child you are." Believe me I agree, that's what I told myself. I guess it just kind of hurt seeing that. I mean I've worked for Bakers for 5 years and to suddenly see myself demoted and having less than desireable shifts really did hurt. There are plenty of nice, logical reasons for this aciton but my gloomy fellings made it impossible for me to accept them. It's not as though I consider those jobs beaneath me, it's just I felt as though I've done my time and shouldn't have to put up with this. I didn't come home to Nebraska to simply be a cashier again for the 5th summer in a row...

With nothing better to do I decided to throw a pity party for myself and let myself mourn the loss of "the summer" that I had envisioned for myself. Should I have stayed up at school this summer? Right now I would say yes. I feel so alone and depressed it hurts to think of what could have been had I stayed. Of course though, the grass always is greener and the world is always full of "if onlys". This afternoon I applied to jobs all over Omaha, as well as apply to several up in Fargo/Moorhead.

You're probably thinking, James you're over reacting. And you're probably right. I guess just thinking of the possibility of returning back to the tundra in June was something that I needed to lift my spirits.

What have I learned from this experience? Part one, I have too much time on my hands. Part two, I need to stop being overly dramatic. Things will get better and I can't just keep being a "sunshine patriot" and freaking out over every bump in the road. What would life be without adversity? Additionally, it's quite pathetic that I can't deal with free time. I need to work on this and find ways to keep myself better occupied.

At the same time though, I realize that there is something to be said about going with one's "gut-reaction". I'm miserable, and have had this saddness in the back of my head for almost a month now. Coming home to a broken family isn't easy, and finding that old friends have moved on and forgotten about you truly is hard. It feels as though someone has died, and coming home is just a reminder of the loss of the person who has died. Am I the only one who has gone through this? Of course no. Do I feel all alone? You bet.

The events of this past year have taught me to grow a lot in my faith, and there is something to be said about God having a plan for everyone. Does God want me in Nebraska this summer, spending time with my family? Perhaps. Do my constant pangs of regret and saddness for leaving Fargo/Moorhead show that maybe God wants me up North for the summer? Perhaps as well.

A wise man once said... "there are always possibilities". Probably the most difficult thing for me is realizing that I'm not fully in the driver's seat with this one. I can apply for jobs but it doesn't mean I'll get them. I can beg my supervisor at Bakers for more hours but she still might cut them in June.


Will things get better on Monday once I'm busy? I hope so.
We'll wait and see. I'll keep you posted.

Going to see some friends tonight shortly... perhaps they will provide the mental distraciton I desperately need.