Almost the 4th!

This is crazy, the Fourth of July is this coming Sunday. Since when did this happen?
It's kind of nice, working as much as I do. The weeks just fly by, it's like I blink and it's already Wednesday and I'm slaving away at Bakers...again.
This year, my Aunt and Uncle from Colorado are coming to Nebraska for the fourth of july weekend. They used to live in Seward, NE America's fourth of July city. We always did a lot of stuff with them growing up so I am always excited when they come. Although they only will be here for a little bit, it's going to be truly epic. I am so pumped.

I work today at Bakers from 4-Midnight and then tomorrow I pull another eight hour shift almost right away...coming back again to work from 10-6:30. Then I close out the week on Friday with another 4-Midnight shift. I also work on Saturday.

Wow, I work too much. But it's the fourth this weekend, I'll get Monday off (the Capitol is closed the 5th) and before I know it it will be my 21st. Crazy. My last birthday of importance is so close I can almost taste it. After that...there's really nothing left to look forward to, perhaps old age I guess.

Side note, I've decided that elderly people should not be allowed to drive. I was almost hit twice today by elderly drivers just being crazy. One lady decided to drive in a nonexistent lane and then almost side-swipe me as she entered mine, and then an elderly woman completely blasted through the intersection at 156th and Pepperwood drive when the light was red for her. It had been for a while. I guess when you're old you kind of deserve to just make up your own traffic laws, especially when you're driving an old massive Buick...

Deep Thoughts Whilst Rollerblading

So, once again I had the opportunity to go rollerblading for an extended period of time. The weather was really nice, a great break from the 90s with humidity that we've been having a lot of. Although I know it's typical of Nebraska this time of the year the constant rain storms, heat and humidity are getting very old very fast.

I haven't rollerbladed in a while, about a week, so it was definitely nice to get out again. Since my Dad is out of town and I'm staying with my mom tonight I chose to rollerblade on the "West Papio Trail" close to her house. I drove for about 2 seconds (I probably could have rollerbladed to the trail, but I had no idea where the entrance other than the one that I drove to). and soon had the blades on and was on the trail.

I knew where this entrance was because around 10/12ish years ago my family used to go biking on this trail. We'd load up our bikes in the back of our old GMC pickup truck and ride around. The West Papio trail is close to my mom's house, a little bit farther West than my mom's house and runs perpendicular to West Dodge running North to South. It cuts through several of the wealthier neighborhoods in West Omaha. It was funny, as I rollerbladed through I could tell exactly where I was depending on the luxurious-ness of the homes on my left. The trail wasn't too full but it also wasn't empty. The weather was nice so a lot of people were out.

It was really relaxing and fun to get out there, I wish that every night could be this nice. Reflecting back on things as I bladed through West Omaha, I came to realize that summer was more than half over. After this week I have just over a month until I'll be done in Nebraska. I can hardly believe that May and June are already over!

I can remember my first week home like yesterday and how suffocating it was. I felt as though I was locked in a glass box screaming at the top of my lungs, with people just walking by. Granted my summer hasn't been ideal by any means but who's summer truly is? I've been keeping very busy, almost too much so. I'm exhausted all the time but I've accomplished a lot. The Attorney General's internship has been very interesting to say the least. Three of my articles have/will be published which is cool. I'm debating if I should get them framed/laminated or something.. ;)

Anyway, probably what I've been happy about the most is that things have been flying by. I've been trying to get bulletin boards done and then research for my paper and wow...it finally it hit. June is already almost gone. Seriously, this coming weekend is the 4th. In less than a month I'll be 21 and then just a little bit after that will be the end of this wretched summer...

My aunt and possibly cousins from Colorado are coming out for the 4th which is a definite plus. I'm so excited they're coming!

Tomorrow starts the daily grind again. My Dad's birthday is also tomorrow...

A Running Theme

So I can remember when I first debated starting a blog I was afraid that it would turn into one of stereotypical whiny blogs that I hated. I think that the Internet has been one of the greatest advancements in technology, we're more connected than ever before...for better and for worse. At any moment we can know almost anything about anything thanks to the Internet's plethora of informational resources. We also have lost all sense of privacy, allowing us to strive for instant gratification by broadcasting ourselves for the whole world to see.

Anyway, needless to say one of my biggest fears would be that my blog would de-volve into an "emotional rant seeking fulfillment through others by constantly feeling sorry for oneself." Well unfortunately as I look over my recent entries it kind of has.

Now I am attempting to be as logical and objective as possible, and I can safely say that since my parents divorce my being at home simply becomes more and more unpleasant. If you've been keeping up at all, I'm sorry to bore you yet again with drama surrounding my father.

I shall attempt to relate the events of this evening. They really weren't too bad, but simply added to my overall dissatisfaction with my life.

A quick contextual reminder: last week (Sunday), my Dad flipped out at me at a restaurant because he stated I was "using him and never spent time with him". Well, that's blatantly wrong. I don't feel like rehashing the whole thing so please read the previous post or simply trust in the fact that I don't.

Well, tonight is one of the nights that I totally set aside to do things with my Dad. Granted my social life is pretty sad, but seriously I could be doing things with friends tonight if I really wanted to. But no, I always set aside Sundays and Mondays to spend time with my father. After a truly long day, (5:30 AM to 5) I made it home and was in an admittedly tired and somewhat grouchy mood. My Dad then proceeded to inform me that "hey I got tickets to go to the College world series (with his significant other) do you mind if I go?"

Of course I responded no. Did it hurt my feelings? Of course it did. I make an effort to be fair and diplomatic and go out of my way to spend time with him and he hypocritically slams the door in my face.

Anyway, so I kind of sulked the rest of the evening and at dinner my Dad brought it up. I told him, calmly and logically (I should get an award for keeping my composure) told him that my feelings were hurt for his hypocritical treatment of me and that I didn't understand his actions and frustrations.

Of course my Dad pouted back and couldn't handle a rational adult conversation. So I simply gave up. I can't decide what hurts more, the fact that my Dad couldn't understand why I was upset with him or the fact that he was uninterested in why I was upset. Both are daggers in my side.

Well so that's where we stand now. I've decided a long time ago that this would be my last time coming home, ever, and each time this old song and dance comes up it gets more and more frustrating.

Part of me wants to fade away into the wall, because that's what I feel like right now. My Dad treats me like garbage, like I'm nothing more than an annoyance, an obligation that he has to deal with. It frustrates me beyond belief.

Granted don't get me wrong I have many things to feel positive about. My summer hasn't been a complete disaster by any means. I have a job. Seriously, that's something to be thankful for right there. I get regularly scheduled and recently got a small raise. That's something to be thankful for right there.

Also, I have a fantastic internship. I work for the Attorney General for Nebraska, I get to deal with something I'm very interested in and get great real life experience. Although I don't get paid and have to commute there, several of the pieces I've written have gotten published with very few revisions. That's epic right there.

Oh well, it's time for me to smile, re-adjust things and try and get everything balanced again. I've mentioned this countless times, but my mom has always raised me as a "glass half full" person. I usually don't let things like this get to me, but it seems like for the past few months it's been harder for me to remain positive. It just seems like I just haven't been too happy with things going on in my life and with all of the drama surrounding my family has put on a strain that has been hard to bear. This "funk" that I'm in just isn't me. I don't like feeling miserable and depressed all the time. Perhaps I just need some time to get my optimistic self back. I'll keep you posted.

In the mean time, I hope that your summer is going well. If you get bored don't hesitate to call, text, come visit. Seriously.

Back to the daily grind...

After my nice little break from the daily struggle I was brought back to reality today when work began. It actually wasn't too bad, I kind of just did odd jobs for the first two hours, spent a lot of time on google news reading about Argentina and their leader the intrepid, charismatic Cristina Kirchner.

After a quick, pow-wow all intern meeting at 10, I got into the thick of everything. A new issue had come up and I had to do a media release, draft a column, and finally do some talking points for the AG. I'm terrible at talking points, so it was like pulling teeth. You're probably asking yourself, really how hard is it to quickly spell out the gist of things for a speech. Well good for you, for me it is. my difficulty lies in the fact that everything seems important and so it's hard for me to cut stuff, it always has been.

It was an overall good day though. It was rainy this morning but the sun came out this afternoon and drove the rain and humidity away. Perhaps it was God's way of kind of giving us a sign, a way to show that despite our suffering at our most recent loss and the turbulence at home that things will get better in the end...

***

Although I'm 400 or so miles South, today my heart was up in Moorhead as well as the thousands of Cobbers across the world as we mourned the passing of President Jolicoeur. Work was kind of slow after lunch so I was able to tune in to most of the Memorial Service. It was truly moving. I guess as I'd mentioned previously, I simply could not allow myself to believe that this incredible individual was gone. Watching the service. hearing the words of her family and friends, truly made me appreciate how amazing she was.

I read somewhere once that people don't truly die. Sure, the flesh may grow tired and end, but as long as we remember the individual and celebrate them in our lives they live on with us forever.

I am excited for the legacy of President Jolicoeur. She has truly touched so many lives and given us so much. Although she is desperately missed, I celebrate her life and all of the greatness that she symbolized...

Reminders of why I hate my home life...

What was originally intended to be an epic recounting of my recent road trip adventure with Shane and Brittany will be sidetracked for the moment. Today was especially trying, so I will recount that here so I can get my thoughts out and finally get some sleep…

So, as it's Sunday I always have the day off. I decided to get caught up on lots of odd jobs, mainly laundry and also decided to work out. I went to Sports Authority to cash in my free $25 coupon (which I got when I bought my rollerblades a few weeks ago) and got a helmet. I then proceeded to my Dad's house. As it's my only day off until next Sunday, I asked my Dad if we could head over to the Verizon store and get everything figured out since I upgrade my phone next Friday.

We head over to the Verizon store, wait forever because everyone in Suburbia lives to go to the cell phone store and look at expensive shiny toys, get a phone picked out, and then head to another store because the first one sucked. After the second store, we proceeded to grab some dinner at Famous Dave's... this is where the drama begins.

As most of you know, my Dad has let me drive one of his two vehicles to Lincoln and back because he was concerned about me "racking up too many miles" on my car. This has never been an issue but I've just gone along with it.

However, my Dad brought it up tonight at dinner. He told me he felt as though I was simply using him and the only reason I stay with him is to use his car. This is totally not true. Additionally, he brought up the fact that he has to pay for a lot of stuff for me and he felt it wasn't fair.

Now, let me put this into context. My Dad loves to "buy my love", a game that I stopped playing a long time ago. Although I don't agree with my Dad on a lot of things nor respect him at times I do generally love him. He doesn't need to buy things for me. I'm not a materialistic person, and never have been.

Let me show you an example of this. For example, tonight at the Verizon store my Dad insisted that I get a Smartphone. Also, not just any Smartphone, the most expensive one. I had other plans, I simply wanted to upgrade to a free phone. I don't want a Smartphone and honestly wouldn't use all of its features. I don't like the way that our phones make us "over connected" already... that's another blog.

So, we ultimately settle on a "multi-media" phone, and long story short my refusal to go along with him saved him almost $720 over two years in the additional data charge.

Clearly, I don't use my Dad.


I guess what bothers me the most about this is the way that he was so accusing and so manipulative. His comments hurt really badly, so much so I was nearly in tears at the restaurant. I don't cry, ever. Seriously.

Like I've mentioned before, I don't agree with my Dad or really appreciate the things that he does, but deep down I care about him. Ever since last Thanksgiving when my parents' divorce really went sour I decided to walk the most neutral route that I could. I've always made sure that the actions I do are fair and equal between my parents. It's been hard and I've sacrificed a lot. That's something that I've prided myself on. To hear my Dad accuse me of using him and preferring my Mom over him hurt really bad...


This on top of the fact that I'm missing my friends up in Fargo just pushed me over the edge. You'd be proud. Did I shout at my father? No. Even though I wanted to. I told him how much it hurt me and I told him several things that are very true:
1. I told him how much I strive for neutrality
2. I reminded him that even though I would lose money I chose to stick it out in Nebraska this summer...meaning that I chose to stay to spend time with both him and my Mom.
3. Reminded him that there were many possibilities that would have kept me from coming home, we should make the best of things while they last...

Long story short, I'm driving my car to Lincoln now. No big deal, seriously. I never drive my car during the school year so if anything these miles are ones that I could be using up there.

Additionally: This will be my last summer at home. I am very much looking forward to when I can leave here...

Review of Epic 2010 Nebraska Road Trip

So,
the great 2010 Whirlwind tour of Nebraska is completed.

Here's a quick rundown of Shane, Brittany and I's events:

-Contextual Recap: On Tuesday I drove up to to Moorhead and hung out with Shane, he worked, I visited friends namely the amazing Sam, Blake and Abby. On Wednesday I went to rib-fest, saw a Redhawk's game with Carter, Jessamy, and Shane.

-Thursday: Shane and I met up with Brittany and we began our journey South to Nebraska. Arrived in the early afternoon, toured BoysTown and hung out.

Friday-Woke up early, went to the Zoo, shipped at Nobbie's where Brittany found some epic things for her floor next year, got some beverages at Sonic, loaded Shane up with some Applesauce and Almonds at Costco, and then saw the A-Team.

Saturday- headed downtown, got some epic spaghetti at Spaghetti Works, and then met up with Brady.

Wow, that was a lot in a very short amount of time. Crazy isn't it.

It was amazing, truly epic. I am in awe of it all, and am exhausted. Look for a more reflective and coherent post tomorrow!

Stuck in Syndication

In reference to the title of this post here's a quick contextual definition:

Back in the day, if a radio or TV program was syndicated it meant that it had no true network home, meaning that CBS/NBC/ABC didn't broadcast it. Sure, lots of former network shows were eventually sent to be syndicated as they could be shown on multiple networks (since they were free from a network title) but they always lacked some aspect of their original form. Syndicated shows were taped and then copies were sent across the nation and then "bicycled" from station to station...

I guess that's kind of how I feel at the moment, stuck in syndication. I feel as though I really don't have any true home "network" anymore. Sure, I have my family in Nebraska and in Colorado but as I've mentioned countless times in the past it's just not the same. I won't beat a dead horse so I'll move on.

Additionally, I've just felt like the "third wheel" no matter what I do. Whether it be at school, my job, or at home I just always feel like I'm getting the way by simply existing. I feel like a burden to be around and wish I could simply just fade into the background.

I guess I'm just feeling angsty or something, having a dramatic "Jan Brady" moment. I feel foolish, stupid, and annoying. When talking with friends I feel like an annoying younger sibling, constantly getting in the way.

I feel forgotten and out of place both at home and at school. It's so weird, this swirling mix of emotions right now. I'm usually pretty good at dealing with things but I'm not good with this.

Part of me just wants to pack up and move on to something new, bid adieu and move away. However, the logical side of me recognizes that such acts only work to cause someone to "run away from their problems" and doesn't result in anything positive in the long run.

Maybe all of this stems from my unhappiness at home, pent up anger towards my father, etc. There's got to be a source to this, and I will do my best to find it.

For the meantime, while I work to fix the cracks in my life, if I seem gloomy or out of place it's not your fault. I'm just being ridiculous as always. It will pass. I'm a disgustingly eternal optimist so I never let myself stay miserable for long. If anything this will give me something to keep myself occupied for a while.

As for recent developments, the passing of Pammy J is truly shocking. It doesn't even seem real right now, seriously I can't even fathom it at the moment. I'm almost frustrated with myself, it's like I can focus on other things going on but it's as if my mind simply doesn't register her death as even being a possibility. Perhaps it won't seem real until later... I know it will once school starts...

Wow, that's all I have to say. Dr. J you're leadership, fun personality, and smile will be desperately missed. No one will truly ever replace you in my book, they will simply succeed you. ..

One week out

Once again I'm having problems remaining consistent with this blog. I keep putting it off and off and here it's been almost a week since my last post. Kind of unacceptable that this is happening.

Oh well, I'll take it in stride. So, last week was interesting. I had memorial day off from the capitol, obviously, and spent some time with my Dad's family. My grandma was still here from Colorado and she stayed until Thursday so it was nice to see her for a while. I don't know if we're going to be able to get out to Colorado this summer so perhaps this might be all I see of my colorado relatives.

I worked Wednesday, closing of course, and then on Thursday headed to Hebron to pay a visit the World's Largest Porch Swing with Brady. The porch swing was albeit rusty and somewhat in disrepair, but it was a blast to see Brady and to spend some time visiting a random Nebraska landmark.

Nothing really new this week, just gearing up for the trip up north next week and then Pink Martini this afternoon with my grandma and Aunt.

Catch you on the flipside!