A Running Theme

So I can remember when I first debated starting a blog I was afraid that it would turn into one of stereotypical whiny blogs that I hated. I think that the Internet has been one of the greatest advancements in technology, we're more connected than ever before...for better and for worse. At any moment we can know almost anything about anything thanks to the Internet's plethora of informational resources. We also have lost all sense of privacy, allowing us to strive for instant gratification by broadcasting ourselves for the whole world to see.

Anyway, needless to say one of my biggest fears would be that my blog would de-volve into an "emotional rant seeking fulfillment through others by constantly feeling sorry for oneself." Well unfortunately as I look over my recent entries it kind of has.

Now I am attempting to be as logical and objective as possible, and I can safely say that since my parents divorce my being at home simply becomes more and more unpleasant. If you've been keeping up at all, I'm sorry to bore you yet again with drama surrounding my father.

I shall attempt to relate the events of this evening. They really weren't too bad, but simply added to my overall dissatisfaction with my life.

A quick contextual reminder: last week (Sunday), my Dad flipped out at me at a restaurant because he stated I was "using him and never spent time with him". Well, that's blatantly wrong. I don't feel like rehashing the whole thing so please read the previous post or simply trust in the fact that I don't.

Well, tonight is one of the nights that I totally set aside to do things with my Dad. Granted my social life is pretty sad, but seriously I could be doing things with friends tonight if I really wanted to. But no, I always set aside Sundays and Mondays to spend time with my father. After a truly long day, (5:30 AM to 5) I made it home and was in an admittedly tired and somewhat grouchy mood. My Dad then proceeded to inform me that "hey I got tickets to go to the College world series (with his significant other) do you mind if I go?"

Of course I responded no. Did it hurt my feelings? Of course it did. I make an effort to be fair and diplomatic and go out of my way to spend time with him and he hypocritically slams the door in my face.

Anyway, so I kind of sulked the rest of the evening and at dinner my Dad brought it up. I told him, calmly and logically (I should get an award for keeping my composure) told him that my feelings were hurt for his hypocritical treatment of me and that I didn't understand his actions and frustrations.

Of course my Dad pouted back and couldn't handle a rational adult conversation. So I simply gave up. I can't decide what hurts more, the fact that my Dad couldn't understand why I was upset with him or the fact that he was uninterested in why I was upset. Both are daggers in my side.

Well so that's where we stand now. I've decided a long time ago that this would be my last time coming home, ever, and each time this old song and dance comes up it gets more and more frustrating.

Part of me wants to fade away into the wall, because that's what I feel like right now. My Dad treats me like garbage, like I'm nothing more than an annoyance, an obligation that he has to deal with. It frustrates me beyond belief.

Granted don't get me wrong I have many things to feel positive about. My summer hasn't been a complete disaster by any means. I have a job. Seriously, that's something to be thankful for right there. I get regularly scheduled and recently got a small raise. That's something to be thankful for right there.

Also, I have a fantastic internship. I work for the Attorney General for Nebraska, I get to deal with something I'm very interested in and get great real life experience. Although I don't get paid and have to commute there, several of the pieces I've written have gotten published with very few revisions. That's epic right there.

Oh well, it's time for me to smile, re-adjust things and try and get everything balanced again. I've mentioned this countless times, but my mom has always raised me as a "glass half full" person. I usually don't let things like this get to me, but it seems like for the past few months it's been harder for me to remain positive. It just seems like I just haven't been too happy with things going on in my life and with all of the drama surrounding my family has put on a strain that has been hard to bear. This "funk" that I'm in just isn't me. I don't like feeling miserable and depressed all the time. Perhaps I just need some time to get my optimistic self back. I'll keep you posted.

In the mean time, I hope that your summer is going well. If you get bored don't hesitate to call, text, come visit. Seriously.