Back in the day, if a radio or TV program was syndicated it meant that it had no true network home, meaning that CBS/NBC/ABC didn't broadcast it. Sure, lots of former network shows were eventually sent to be syndicated as they could be shown on multiple networks (since they were free from a network title) but they always lacked some aspect of their original form. Syndicated shows were taped and then copies were sent across the nation and then "bicycled" from station to station...
I guess that's kind of how I feel at the moment, stuck in syndication. I feel as though I really don't have any true home "network" anymore. Sure, I have my family in Nebraska and in Colorado but as I've mentioned countless times in the past it's just not the same. I won't beat a dead horse so I'll move on.
Additionally, I've just felt like the "third wheel" no matter what I do. Whether it be at school, my job, or at home I just always feel like I'm getting the way by simply existing. I feel like a burden to be around and wish I could simply just fade into the background.
I guess I'm just feeling angsty or something, having a dramatic "Jan Brady" moment. I feel foolish, stupid, and annoying. When talking with friends I feel like an annoying younger sibling, constantly getting in the way.
I feel forgotten and out of place both at home and at school. It's so weird, this swirling mix of emotions right now. I'm usually pretty good at dealing with things but I'm not good with this.
Part of me just wants to pack up and move on to something new, bid adieu and move away. However, the logical side of me recognizes that such acts only work to cause someone to "run away from their problems" and doesn't result in anything positive in the long run.
Maybe all of this stems from my unhappiness at home, pent up anger towards my father, etc. There's got to be a source to this, and I will do my best to find it.
For the meantime, while I work to fix the cracks in my life, if I seem gloomy or out of place it's not your fault. I'm just being ridiculous as always. It will pass. I'm a disgustingly eternal optimist so I never let myself stay miserable for long. If anything this will give me something to keep myself occupied for a while.
As for recent developments, the passing of Pammy J is truly shocking. It doesn't even seem real right now, seriously I can't even fathom it at the moment. I'm almost frustrated with myself, it's like I can focus on other things going on but it's as if my mind simply doesn't register her death as even being a possibility. Perhaps it won't seem real until later... I know it will once school starts...
Wow, that's all I have to say. Dr. J you're leadership, fun personality, and smile will be desperately missed. No one will truly ever replace you in my book, they will simply succeed you. ..
No comments:
Post a Comment